The holidays can be a stressful time. TV commercials may depict how wonderful it is for families to be together–laughing, drinking and having a good time. But the reality for many people during the holidays is very different. Here are some practical guidelines to help you through the upcoming months of joy, peace and stress.

1. People often feel overwhelmed during the holiday season. Social gatherings, gifts and family often all come together and this can be stressful because people feel pressured to do a number of things that they do not do as much during the year. Start planning early. This means now. Start thinking about which events you might be invited to attend and who you might need to buy presents for. Plan how much you want to spend on gifts. Consider shopping early so you won’t have to brave those hectic December crowds. Make up a list of gift ideas before you shop to cut down on the number of shopping trips you need to make.

2. Social events can be a gift as well as a burden. To help manage them, ask yourself a few questions. How many events do you feel obligated to attend? How many feel like a choice? How many are events that you really want to attend? Think now about what you are willing to do, what you want to do and what you feel obligated to do. Identifying the difference may give you some freedom about how to respond to invitations or requests from family and friends.

3. Do you have a “toxic” or unpleasant family member that you can’t avoid? What you can do is reduce time with people who bring you down. Accept that the unpleasant person may not change and that you can have a good time and avoid (or limit) engaging with someone who does not engender positive feelings. If you have to spend time with a toxic relative, try to be as pleasant as possible. Keep in mind that most events only lasts a limited time—and if you’re lucky, they only come around once a year.

4. Remember it’s okay to say, “No, I can’t.” You can’t do everything that people ask you to do during the holidays. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, politely but firmly say no. Keep the conversation short and cordial. You don’t need to go into all the reasons why you’re saying no. Still, it helps to have some handy just in case the person persists.

5. Get some exercise. At this time of year it may not be realistic to join the gym or start learning yoga (even though both of which are great ideas for health). But you can find simple easy to be more active. Park further away from your office and walk a little more to get there, for instance. Take a 10-minute break in your day and walk outside. If the weather is bad, walk up and down a few flights of stairs or around the hallways. Almost any kind of activity will help improve your mood.

6. Money causes stress even in the best of times. During the holidays it’s an even bigger issue for many people. These days, with lay-offs, furloughs and cut backs, many people are working at just getting their own needs met. To ease financial stress, set up a small savings plan for the holidays. Think of ways to cut back on other expenses—your afternoon latte, for instance, or a dinner out–and put that money in the holiday savings account.

7. Find some way to give back to your community. Giving your time can help you feel good about yourself and thankful for what you have. If you are low on cash, volunteer your time to help a non-profit.

8. Think about all that you have–not what you don’t have–and accept your life as it is today. Make a list of the people you’re grateful to in your life. Take the time during the holidays to let them know that you care about them.

9. Finally, consider seeking counseling services if you continue to feel anxious, overwhelmed, depressed or angry this holiday season. Asking for professional help is sometimes necessary if you have exhausted your family and friend support. If you feel down more often than you feel balanced or happy, cry more than you want to, feel sad and have no one to turn to for comfort, it’s time to seek professional help. If you “explode” in anger at anyone, it is time to seek professional assistance. A trained professional will help you make changes in your life and will work to understand you and your needs.

Lara Windett is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Certified Addiction Specialist who works with individuals, couples and teenagers in her private practice located in San Jose.

Tags: holidays, planning, stress